Boundaries Create Layers

Sometimes I struggle with relationships. Not just partnerships, but friendships, and family dynamics. And while a lot of struggles happen in my head when I overthink or assume the thoughts of others from a distance, I also know that I struggle when it comes to communicating - especially setting down boundaries. Boundaries are hard, especially when you have spent time unknown to the process of communicating across conflict. It’s scary, and when you are faced with a loved one, or someone you really look up to, or someone who has taken care of you, you don’t want to hurt them. Looking at the love and the kindness someone has brought you into, most times you don’t want that person to face conflict, especially from you. But here is the lesson that I never got, and while I have been opened up to it, boundaries are definitely not something that can get implemented overnight, and sometimes it isn’t something that is received overnight.

Boundaries create layers. When I think of past or current relationships that have shown most successful (for me this is healthy, stable, clearly and mutually understood - all usually based on the quality and frequency of communicating), I think of the ways both sides were not constantly in a worrisome state or frequently doubting the situation. It felt stable and easy. But thinking about that stability and ease, it never just appeared and sustained without attention to potential or existing areas of conflict. Conversations had to happen. Whether discussing valuing someone’s routine more, communicating with sufficient time that you can’t come to the event they planned, or asking what are ways I can help out more or support you better - opening up, workshopping the situation, and coming out with more clarity are great steps. And I believe what those efforts and steps create is layers.

Layers in your relationships are important. They provide you security, safety, and of course tons of memories. By layers I mean what a relationship is composed upon: the conversations around your dynamic, who you both are, what that person does and aspires to do - a living document about the dynamic and structure of your relationship with the other person built upon layers of conversations. Without boundaries to create layers it can feel like clarity and the pathway between you and another can get scrambled up with little areas for footing. It may feel like there isn’t a point you can fall back on or a foundation that was set to return to - like a checkpoint or save progress option in a game. You may even have a feeling of everything or nothing. That can be really problematic in a relationship because it can also feel like you don’t really know that person if you’re not making that effort to check in and bring any serious thoughts/confusion making up the space in your head.

This post is not about the right boundaries to set or how to approach those conversations, there are plenty pages for advice on those one google search away - or rather just Chat GPT it and boom the answers are at your door. Addressing the needs for communicating across conflict or simply setting down boundaries so you and another know how you value yourself and your experiences is not just a shift in the moment. Working on that consistently and meaning what you say, in a kind loving way - for those you wish to be kind and loving towards - is a collective of moments. Being communicative and staying true to yourself and how you want to live your life in a safe, healthy way will bring the right people closer or it will turn the wrong people away. Nonetheless for those people that stick by you, you are building layers with each other. Moments of living, developing, experimenting - all sometimes scary things, but very rewarding when you see how far you have come together.

Cherish your people, be honest with yourself and that person about how you felt when they did something that hurt you, or just show someone how you like to be loved. A clip I ran into recently by Nedra Glover Tawwab, a therapist and NY Times bestseller, talked about boundary setting and how it can be really hard to tell people what you need. She says, “We often assume that other people have the same rules for life as we do. We think that they can tell our preferences and know our feeling from our body language. But no one, not the people you have known for years and certainly not your coworkers can read your mind. You have to explicitly state what you need.” For the longest, I really had this belief in the back of my head that people are these incredible mind-readers that can understand how anyone is feeling. But I was wild to think that, I mean that’s crazy! Everyone is incredibly unique, composed of only what their eyes have seen and hearts have felt.

So share. I have caused a lot of hurt in my life for not speaking up about boundaries with people I have lost, and received a lot of hurt for not hearing enough from the people I wanted to love. Ask and communicate, don’t assume. And do it frequently and intentionally. I think we all have ways we want to improve the relationships in our lives. I think boundaries and the security of the layers it generates is one facet of improving such relationships. Try it out. Sending love, health, and safety your way.